if i could go back
by messenger bird
Summary: there's no place you can run to. axel.roxas.


**if i could go back**

and things get bent into shape

--

axel/roxas

————————————

you were supposed to grow old.  
reckless, unfrightened, and old,  
you were supposed to grow old.  
return. you were supposed to return.

return — ok go

--

The room was dark.

Two figures lay beside each other in a fairly small bed, breathing heavily. The afterglow from their previous activities painted their skin golden; the blankets just barely covering their waists.

The smaller of the two, a blonde, turned to his lover. "You have a mission tomorrow, right?"

The redhead nodded. "Unfortunately," he sighed, reaching for the blonde's hand and kissing his palm. "I'll be gone for two days, tops."

The blonde visibly deflated. He curled up next to the redhead. "Axel…"

The redhead met his stormy blue eyes with an equally intense green gaze.

"You promise you'll come back?"

Axel nodded, a slight half smile on his face. He leaned to brush his lips over the blonde's.

"Yeah. I promise, Rox."

Roxas' hand came up to pull Axel back in contact as he went to pull away. His thumb traced the redhead's cheekbone.

"I love you," Axel told the blonde in a whisper when he'd finally released his lips.

The blonde shyly gazed at him for a long moment, observing the shadows and light, how they scattered across his face.

"I would die for you, Axel." Every word echoed sincerity.

The redhead's expression softened further. "Nothing's gonna happen, Rox. Don't worry."

He could tell by the blonde's face that he wasn't so sure. But before he could say anything else, Roxas changed the subject.

"Will you go back to your room?" His eyes were hopeful; he obviously didn't want to be alone.

Axel shook his head, and the blonde's hopeful anxiety melted into relief. The redhead turned on his side, facing Roxas, and tucked an arm around his waist.

"Love you, Rox."

An answering mumble came from the blonde. A grin slid over Axel's face before he closed his eyes.

--

The room was still dark when Axel woke up. He shot a quick glance at the digital clock on the nightstand as he carefully untangled himself from his sleeping blonde.

He hurriedly donned his uniform, weapons sheathed and clipped into place, and went to tug on his boots.

"Hate these boots," he muttered through clenched teeth as he tried to shove his left foot into its appropriate shoe.

Axel tore a piece of paper from the notepad on Roxas' desk, then grabbed a red pen and quickly scribbled a note before he had to dash out to meet his partner and catch a helicopter.

-

_Sorry I had to leave early, Roxas—you know I'd much rather stay at least until you woke up to give you a proper goodbye, but missions almost always call for early mornings. See you soon, Rox. Love you._

_-Axel_

--

"Damnit, Riku," the redhead shouted as his silver-haired partner spun and sliced two enemies he wanted to get, kicking up sprays of sand.

"Sorry!" came the sarcastic, laughed remark. Axel scowled and ran to cover Riku's back as three new adversaries joined the fight. His left wrist snapped a chakram, flinging it to embed it in the smallest enemy's chest, and both hands came together to grip the slender sword in his right hand.

"Who's first?" he grinned, and the two remaining enemies rushed forward, one brandishing a battle-axe, the other a rifle.

He laughed as he cut through the gunman with three hits of his sword; the other guy swung the axe toward him as he was pulling back, slicing a long gash through the armor and skin of his upper right arm even as he dodged.

His laughter turning into a curse, the redhead backed up a step, blood already starting to drip down from his arm, then rushed forward across the sand and sloppily thrust the weapon toward his opponent. The axe-wielder brought up his weapon to block the attack with the side, and Axel glared at him.

"_Fuck_, why can't you just—"

A silver blur interrupted his sentence, cutting down his enemy with a speed and accuracy that only Riku had.

His silver-haired companion grinned at Axel. "So, pyro. Let's finish this mission and get the hell out of this stupid desert."

Axel nodded with a grimace as Riku walked off and muttered a spell under his breath; his wound was briefly bathed in a pale green light, and the glow faded to show his arm, healed enough for him to function. The redhead reached into a pocket in his pants and bandaged his arm with the gauze he found.

Before following Riku, he returned to the dead man he'd thrown his chakram at. He pulled the weapon from the new corpse's chest with a sickening suction sound, two of the metal points dyed scarlet with blood, then searched him for items and equipment.

The dead guy had two Hi-Potions, an Elixir, a dark green Materia, and a nifty dagger. Pocketing the things, Axel mock-saluted the dead man with a grin and turned to find Riku.

"Thanks for the gear, Mr. Soon-to-be-just-bones…"

--

Riku was perched on a rock, his booted feet resting their toe-tips on the sand. He was gazing at the sky, and turned to Axel as the redhead joined him.

"Too hot in this bloody place," Riku panted, lifting a gloved hand to wipe at the perspiration on his forehead. His silver hair was damp with sweat.

"Fucking heat," Axel agreed, cursing Seifer for assigning them to some stupid thing way out here in the middle of this desert. The overheard sun was almost malicious, boiling them with its sadistic rays, and the sand underfoot made moving even more exhausting and dehydrating.

"So what do we have to do?" Riku asked his partner as he turned his gaze back to the sky. The cool blue was slightly soothing.

"Seifer said recon at first, but I dunno anymore," was the reply. Axel reached for the container of water at his hip, took a swallow, then offered Riku the bottle. He gratefully took it.

"Then he said something about a Materia that we need to return with. And as for our way home, he said, there should be a vehicle of some sort at this place that we can use to get back to headquarters."

Riku nodded as Axel continued.

"Speaking of which, one of the guys we fought had Materia, just one." He held up the said sphere, its dark green depths glittering in the scorching sun.

"Equip it, then," Riku said, sliding from his perch. "Let's go."

Axel did so, merging it with his armor, feeling slightly sick to his stomach as it slid into place.

"Ugh," he muttered, and followed Riku towards wherever it was they had to go.

--

Axel cut down the last of his opponents with a scowl, bending to yank the bloodied dagger from the enemy's armored chest, wincing at the slight screech of metal as it scraped against the torn edges.

Not far away, Riku was downing one of the Hi-Potions Axel had taken, grimacing at the taste and feeling. The redhead shot him a sympathetic look and straightened up, noticing a large fort in the near distance.

"At least we're almost there," he muttered to his companion. Riku nodded and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Let's not keep them waiting. You know the drill."

--

"Riku!"

His companion jerked his eyes from the mob of enemies surrounding him, saw Axel's signal, and flipped his way to safety, just in time to see the entrance go up in flames as he was airborne, courtesy of Axel's Firaga spell.

Riku grinned and gave Axel a thumbs-up, but instead of seeing an answering grin on his comrade's face, he saw a look of surprised anger and alarm. Confused, he turned to see a looming ogre-like monster – but an orange flare of light obscured his sight of the monster, then faded as quickly as it had appeared, revealing the ogre to be seemingly frozen in place. It didn't even blink.

Riku turned back to Axel, who was now grinning. "The Materia?" Riku asked, and the redhead nodded.

"Stop spell, I guess."

"Thanks for saving my ass, by the way."

Axel waved his hand in dismissal. "Just returning the favor." He smirked at him, but it disappeared as the two stepped warily inside the massive building.

"We'll have to split up," Axel murmured, and Riku nodded.

"There's an upper level," the silveret answered, gesturing to a staircase on the left side of the room. "And I'm sure there are other rooms on this floor."

Axel's green eyes scanned the large room, noting the doors on the other side; one under the staircase, two on the wall opposite it.

"I'll take the upstairs, I guess," he said.

Riku nodded, and Axel handed him the Elixir he'd found. When he began to protest, the redhead shook his head. "I have magic, remember."

He started toward the staircase, then turned to Riku.

"Almost forgot. Report back here in twenty minutes, half hour tops. Grab any Materia or items you find."

Riku nodded again, and Axel cautiously jogged toward the stairs, a hand on the chakram clipped to his belt.

He took the stairs two at a time as quietly as he could, surprised that nobody had come to investigate yet. At the top of the stairs, he glanced back at the entrance. Riku was not there.

The first room had a single desk in the middle. Papers were scattered all over the room, papers written in some different language. Axel grabbed a sheet that looked promising, folded it, and stuffed it in his pocket.

There were two doors adjoining this room: a door on the right wall, and a door directly behind the desk. A peek into the door on the right revealed a closet stocked with various things.

Axel recognized a few items and grabbed them: an X-Potion, an Ether, Blizzaga Materia. _I'll give this to Rox when I get back_, he thought, examining the dark green sphere_. I'd much rather burn my enemies than freeze them_.

The door on the wall behind the desk revealed six moderately armed enemies. _Fuck_, Axel thought as he rushed in, his hand automatically reaching behind him to unsheathe his sword.

With an angry cry, he swung his sword at the nearest man, disarming them with a sharp rap to their weapon-wielding forearm. A cry of pain told Axel he broke the bone.

Another enemy rushed up, sword ready, and Axel parried the blow with his sword, using the advantage to push the soldier back on one of his comrades. Three more rushed in around him.

"What the hell!" he cried, pulling the dagger from a makeshift sheath he'd made earlier from the dead guy's shirt, and plunging it into one man's shoulder, where the armor did not fully protect. A scream of pain congratulated him; he turned as the soldier fell, swinging his sword to block another attack, but his adversary was a second too fast. Axel tried to dodge, but to no avail.

White-hot pain scorched along his stomach, and his armor screeched in protest as the blade cut through.

"Fucker!" Axel yelled, pulling his sword back then jerking it toward the man's shoulder; with a quick, sharp tug downward, the man was one less an arm. He collapsed to the floor, screaming, his stub spurting crimson.

Axel shot a quick glance to his stomach as the last in that group of three hesitated; the armor was ruined, the flesh underneath sliced neatly, blood rippling out and down his pants.

"Shit, _Curaga_," he muttered, left palm facing the wound; green light issued from his hand, quickly bathing the gash. Within seconds, there was only a slight scar and the stain of blood on his healed skin and dark pants.

Axel looked back up to see the third man running forward, weapon ready. He raised a palm—the left one, same one he had healed himself with—and yelled, "Thundaga!"

Three bolts of white-blue lightning snaked erratically from his palm, locking onto the unfortunate man and electrocuting him.

His body danced maniacally, a feat that almost made Axel laugh. The man's eyes rolled to the back of his skull, and he promptly crumpled lifelessly to the floor.

The two men that he had knocked down were standing again; wearily he cast Stop, then tied them with a piece of rope he'd obtained from the closet.

The man whose arm he'd broken was tied up, too, and so was the man he had stabbed with the dagger.

Axel wrenched the knife from his shoulder, giving a small smirk when the man moaned in agony. He glanced down at the soldier with only one arm; _he'll probably bleed to death very soon_, he thought, but tied him up anyway.

Axel cast a Silencing spell on all of them—except the guy he'd cast Thundaga on, as he was dead—which prevented them from both speaking and casting spells. Then he took the few items they had; they didn't have any Materia.

"Damnit, I went through these guys only to be at a dead-end?" he seethed, glaring at the doorless walls. "Well, fuck."

He stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him and locking it via the convenient deadbolt.

Axel began to lazily walk backwards, therefore not paying attention to where he was going, and slammed into the desk.

It toppled over, and Axel fell too with a surprised yelp—on top of a secret trapdoor.

"Ha. These guys suck at keeping secrets," he snickered, ignoring the fact that he wouldn't have found it if he hadn't tripped.

He pulled up the door, which was surprisingly light, and stared down into the dark hole. There was a ladder on the side, going down and down into the gloom.

With a sigh, he climbed down, careful not to catch his weapons on anything.

At the very bottom was a door. Blindly, he groped for the doorknob, found it, but hesitated.

Roxas' words from the night before echoed in his head, keeping rhythm with the thundering pulse in his ears.

"_You promise you'll come back?"_

"_I would die for you, Axel."_

They filled him with dread. He took a breath and let himself in.

Inside was a brightly lit laboratory. His wide green eyes took it all in: unrecognizable figures in liquid-filled tanks, strange concoctions in glass containers, an adjoining room with glass for a wall, odd equipment, and finally Materia, all the way across the room. _Fuck_.

Axel stepped cautiously toward the Materia, and was halfway there when he heard voices. He froze, looked for a good hiding spot but found none, and was standing in the open when the voices stopped.

Axel stared intently in the direction the voices were, ready to fight. When nobody came around the corner, he redirected most of his attention to the Materia, watching his surroundings warily in his peripheral vision.

There were shelves and shelves of Materia, but the one that caught his attention was locked in an indestructible-looking glass box.

"This sucks," he whispered to himself, voice almost nothing but an exhalation, and pulled a set of lock-picking equipment from his pocket. "I hope they don't have alarms."

The lock popped with a _click_, and he snatched the Materia out, immediately starting toward the door. As he walked, he eyed the sphere skeptically. Why did HQ want this? The only visible difference between this sphere and other Materia was that this one was a brilliant red; the red of freshly spilt blood.

"_You promise you'll come back?"_

The dread intensified as he heard the voices, louder this time. _Shit_, he thought, shoving the Materia in his pocket, but before he could draw a weapon, the owners of the voices stepped into the room.

They were obviously soldiers; one was armed with guns, the other with some odd shortsword.

"Intruders!" the gunman shouted, and Axel winced. He raised a hand and yelled in response, "Firaga!"

Flames erupted from his palm and engulfed the two. He could hear their agonized screams as he turned and ran through the entrance of the lab, slamming the door shut behind him and climbing furiously up the ladder.

The redhead flew out of the desk room and down the stairs, gaze immediately locking on his comrade, who was at the entrance, looking irked.

"You said thirty—" Riku began, but Axel's expression, his ripped armor and the blood on his pants stopped him. "What happened?"

"We have to go, and we have to go _now_!" he said urgently. "Did you find—"

"A way home? Yeah. Follow me." Riku started off toward one of the doors opposite the stairs at a run, and Axel followed with a wary stare at the top of the staircase.

His companion led him through three rooms, two of which were filled with men that, he presumed by the looks of them, Riku had fought against and killed.

Finally, they stepped into a hangar-sized room. "I disabled all but ours," Riku informed him as they walked to the craft they'd be taking back to HQ. The immense doors on the ceiling were opened with a flick of a switch.

"Good, a helicopter." Axel clambered into the pilot's seat with glee and slammed the door shut behind him.

Riku had just closed his own door when the side door through which they'd entered the room burst open.

"You! Halt!" A man screamed at them, but they had already begun to lift off.

"See ya," Axel muttered down at the swarming soldiers and officers, a grin on his face, as they pulled clear of the ceiling and headed towards headquarters.

"Did you find the Materia?"

He threw a glance and a smirk at Riku. "Of course I did."

"Good. Now take us home."

--

As soon as he stepped into his room, Axel flopped down on the bed. "Feels good to be back," he drawled, a happy smile on his face as he stretched, careful not to move too much lest he tore his wounds open. Healing spells weren't always reliable.

He curled up to take a nap, but as soon as his green eyes closed a knock came from the door.

"Whaddaya want now," he muttered as he dragged himself from his bed and to the door.

He stared dryly at his visitor as he opened it, only softening when he realized who it was.

"Roxas! Come in, come in."

The blonde stepped in, and he shut the door immediately before anyone outside had noticed.

"I missed you, Rox. And nothing terribly bad happened, see?"

The blonde hugged Axel. "Ax, we have another mission. Me, you, and Riku."

Axel deflated. "Damnit! I never get breaks!"

Roxas smiled despite his somber expression. "Sorry."

"Anyway…where? And when do we leave?"

"In a Mako reactor. We leave tomorrow."

--

The hours before they left for the reactor were precious; Roxas constantly stayed beside Axel, spending as much time together as they could. Axel was dreading this mission, something he never did, but at the same time he was serene.

The minutes flew; it wasn't long until they were boarding the helicopter, fully equipped with what they'd need. Their mission was to flush the reactor of some of the henchmen from the place Riku and Axel had stolen the odd crimson Materia from.

They entered the Mako reactor swiftly and silently, weapons at the ready. The first group they encountered was caught by surprise, a group of four.

Riku ran to attack an opponent; Axel watched Roxas storm towards one, brandishing twin swords, then turned to an enemy and snapped the chakram at him.

He deflected the spinning weapon; it clattered to the floor, and the man smirked.

With a scowl, Axel charged toward him, then feinted and slid down and around the guy, cutting him down from behind with one heavy swing of his sword.

Axel bent quickly to get his chakram; instead, he found himself on the floor, in agony and paralyzed. His nerves were screaming with pain; out of the corner of his eye he saw the last man, grinning, with his palm out.

He stared, temporarily paralyzed and still slightly pained from the aftershock, as Roxas snarled and cut down the adversary from behind.

He watched as the blonde dashed over, blue eyes anxious and scared, and cast a quick healing spell.

"Are you alright?" he asked; Axel nodded and managed a smile.

"Kinda hurts. I'll be fine." He staggered to his feet.

The trip continued through the reactor, defeating group after group of adversaries, but not without wounds.

Soon they were at the center of the reactor.

"So where's the—" Roxas was cut off by Riku, who reached forward and jerked him out of the way as a fiend launched itself off a complex mess of pipes, landing where the blonde had been standing.

"A Summon," the silveret said.

Roxas was pale.

Axel shot him a concerned glance and threw the chakram at the monster; the weapon whistled through the air and lodged itself in the chimaera's lionlike shoulder. It gave a frightening roar, and Riku rushed to slice at it.

The monster gave a hair-raising snarl and swiped heavily at him with a wickedly clawed paw; Riku was sent flying, colliding with the wall with a crunching thud and collapsing on the floor.

"Riku! Damnit," Axel shouted, torn between helping him and turning to attack the monster, but hearing Roxas yelp made his decision for him. He watched Roxas run on the other side of the chimaera as he dashed up to the monster.

_No— _

The redhead was met with a gaping, salivating maw full of deadly canines and sharp incisors.

_Fuck._

He backed up with astonishing speed, barely missing death as the jaws snapped shut not a foot away. He could smell the beast's fetid breath.

Axel sprinted to its side, jabbing with his sword; he managed to slice a well-sized gash in its barrel-like side. It emitted a ferocious roar and turned to attack him.

Before it could, though, it whipped around with a scream. Roxas had done something to it, something it didn't like one bit. As it turned fully, Axel could see it—a dark blade jabbed upward into its chest from underneath and behind it, plunged all the way to the hilt, the sword Roxas had nicknamed Oblivion.

His stomach began to churn heavily with dread.

"Roxas!" Axel screamed, sprinting, trying to evade the monster, even as it attacked the blonde.

He heard his body collapse with a sick thud.

"Fuckin'—Thundaga!" Axel screamed, and the monster dropped to the ground and writhed with the intense current.

The redhead sprinted faster than he ever had to where Roxas lay, his green eyes horrified as he reached his side, his heart thumping and pulsing with agony.

The chimaera had torn three deep gashes in his chest, ripping through the armor as if it hadn't been there.

"Roxas," he gasped, falling to his knees, hands automatically grabbing one of the blonde's. The appendage was stained with his blood from where he was trying to hold his ruined flesh in place.

"No, no, Roxas, you can't die, you can't, Curaga, _Curaga_, why doesn't this thing ever fucking work when you need it to—"

"Axel." The word was so, so soft. Roxas could already feel himself slipping, and Axel could see it in his tired storm-blue eyes.

The eyes he'd never see again. His heart caved with the agony and realization.

"Roxas…" He didn't realize he was crying heavily until he choked on his sobs, the tears dripping onto his hands clasped with Roxas' one, the liquid warm.

"I…love you, Axel. Don't…for – for…I'm so tired, Ax…"

"No, Roxas, don't go, please, no, please don't…" he sobbed; he could hear the monster getting up, the intent of revenge heavy in the air.

Sudden realization clouded Axel's already blurry green eyes. "Roxas…you said that you would die for me…"

Roxas only half smiled, and his bloodied hand weakly squeezed the redhead's. "So tired…Axel…" He blinked once, twice, slowly, then didn't anymore.

"Rox…" Axel bent over his love, body wracked with agony so intense he felt like he himself had died too.

An expectant rumble reverberated through his bones, and he looked up through tear-blurred eyes to see the chimaera standing there, a hideous snarl on its maw.

He staggered to his feet, wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his hand, picked up his sword from where he'd dropped it beside the blonde's lifeless body, and numbly walked forward to stare eye to eye with death; amber with green.

"_I would die for you, Axel."_

--


End file.
